Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my Dad's death. So much has happened in that time...I went to Taiwan for the 2nd time; the birth of two nieces (granddaughters); Ben started a new job; Nathan started a new job; Kyle, Nathan, Sallee, Claire all moved to California; we sold the house in Oregon; Mom moved to Utah; Joel completed his doctorate; Joel, Becky, Aubrey moved to Boston; Joel started a new job at Harvard; Erick started a new job; plus many, many more.
Many of those things have been exciting, scary, fun, hard, sad, etc. changes. Some we have looked forward to and others we have dragged our feet all the way.
These last two years have been great, full of fun and new adventures and at the same time they have been two of the hardest years that I have ever lived through.
We got family pictures taken at Christmas and my Mom and I were talking the other day about my wanting to get some printed to put in my frames for my wall, but my Mom pointed out that I didn't want to replace all of the pictures because than I wouldn't have any with my Dad in them.
Sometimes it's hard to think about that in all of the future family pictures he won't be in them, he won't be part of the family vacations, when I find my future spouse he won't be there to give him a hard time or to be part of my wedding day, and when more grandchildren come he won't get to meet them. But then I think about the grand picture, he is part of all these events, I may not be able to see him but I know that he is watching.
I miss my Dad and I don't think there will ever be a time that I don't miss him, but I am grateful for him, the things that he has taught me (and continues to teach me) and that I know that I will be with him again. I'm grateful that I have the pictures to remind me of the memories but even more grateful that I have the memories.
I know this may sound a little dorky or cheesy (yes it is Miley Cyrus), but I love this song, every time I hear it I think of my Dad. I think that it describes him so well (besides the part about having to do it on his own)...he was always there for me, ready to help, love, teach, share, serve, anything that was needed.
It's sometimes hard to accept that death is part of this life, that we eventually have to be prepared to let loved ones go. I don't think that the missing them ever goes away but with the knowledge of the gospel also comes a peace, a comfort that though they are gone for now it is not forever.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
???????????
This one is a little hard for me...I don't currently have the "love of my life/eternal companion to conveniently put in this place (conveniently seems maybe a little harsh but I think that if I did have a "love of my life" he would go into this spot without thought). Next on the list would obviously come my family and friends...I think that having these people makes my life more full than it is, happier even, but I also don't think that my life would end if these people were to die (case in point my Dad). My life becomes a little sadder and I miss them like crazy but I think that if they left I could still continue living (how depressing is this?)
This is again from my first time to Taiwan. One weekend we went to Taipei to the Temple and to see Taipei 101. You could buy postcards and send people a letter in the highest mailbox in the world. This postcard was sent to Mom and Dad.
I was looking at a couple of websites for ideas of what to blog about, you know for those days that Beth's brain goes blank and her world is wiped clean (I'm sure it will happen someday!). One blog had a list of 100 topics that you could write about, most of them were either boring or didn't really apply to me and my blog (such as Branding Strategies I Use), but one that just made me laugh was "My Mom's On Facebook." Yes, my Mom is on Facebook, but I have to admit, I'm the one that set-up the account for her and she hardly ever uses it.
This is the first time that I have heard/read something about concern/happiness with parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. being on Facebook. Some people have some very strong opinions against it, they think that it's weird and they don't like having the adults in their lives watching over every move that they are making.
Now I have a slightly different opinion about this, and maybe it's because I'm not a 13 year old girl who really likes a cute boy or 15 year old boy that is drinking every night, or because of the parents that I have had but I'm ok with adults being on facebook...
BUT! (yep there's a but) I think that there needs to be some rules and the adults need to have some certain understandings before they join Facebook or any other social website. These websites were created for the younger generation and as such have certain ways things are done, it is the responsibility of the adult to understand how things are done and follow those social unwritten "rules." If they are not willing to follow those I can understand how a teenager would have a problem with Mom being on Facebook.
So, yes, my Mom's on Facebook, and I'm ok with it as long as she follows the social "rules," if she doesn't she will most certainly hear from me (but with her maybe getting on once a month I'm not too concerned :D).
A year ago in accordance with what was going on in my life I wrote several posts about my Dad, the memories that I had with him and how grateful I was to have him. I haven't always been so forthcoming with positive things to say about my Mom. When I was younger we had a terrible relationship, I was down right mean to my Mom, causing problems between her and my Dad and between others in the family.
When my Dad fell down the stairs two of my brothers were home for Christmas but they soon had to return to school and it was only my Mom and I home. Our relationship changed drastically, we became each others support, crying, laughing, hugging, listening, and just sitting with each other. My Mom became one of my best friends, though she wasn't always with me I talked with her each day, I still do, even with us being thousands of miles away.
I love this picture of her with Erick's sisters Madelaine and Lily, it shows the love that my Mom has: for her children and for her "adopted children" (of which there are many).
My Mom continually volunteers for things, even if she doesn't have the time or energy. Almost daily when I call her she will say that we can't talk for very long because she has 7 or 8 things that need to be done before she goes to bed (and it's already 9 o'clock). She opens her arms, heart, and home to everyone that she meets.
I am so lucky to have my Mom, I know that Heavenly Father chose for me to have her and her to have me for a very specific reason and I am so grateful for his decision. I love her and am grateful for her example in my life.
I look at the amazing things that people can do with words and wish that I had that talent, but alas it is not meant to be :( One person that has the talent of working with words is Dr. Suess, this week was his birthday and in honor of it being so Andrea and I decided to make our morning class theme based off of his books (we were going to do our afternoon class but we now must have the same theme as the Chinese classes). I had brought several hats of my Dad's that I had inherited, not sure if I would use them but knew that a good hat is always something you should have. I decided to do something with them this week, based loosely off Cat in the Hat. I had balls and we used the different hats as baskets. But before Wednesday came of course I had to play with the hats and be, well, you know...ME! :D
Sorry that I haven't been updating lately...there has been many things happening, a trip home to Oregon for a week, returned to Utah for another week and then just returned once again to Oregon on Saturday. Hopefully I will be finding a job sometime soon and then my life will begin once again to be full of entertaining things of which to blog about. The funeral and burial for my Dad both went wonderfully, in the next few days I will type up my feelings about it, but to begin with I wanted to share the two talks that were given at both. My Mom had asked my sister Libbey to talk about who my Dad was and my brother Nathan to talk about the more spiritual side of my Dad and what we believed. I will share Nathan's talk as soon it is available but for now I wanted to share Libbey's talk, I thought that she did wonderfully in sharing who my Dad was.
I have the great honor to speak for our family in describing who our dad was, but first I want to thank each of you for coming. You are here, because my Dad impacted your lives in some way.
Who was Gary Alton Mathews?
Dad was a father, husband, grandpa, brother, a best friend to a few, but friendly to all, home-teacher, bishop, teacher, neighbor, a comforter, and a faithful and valiant follower of Christ. He loved his family, reading (we visited LOTS of used book stores as a family), was an avid sports fan, loved the outdoors, traveling, exploring, trying new things, genealogy, and learning. Dad taught us how to work and the value of it. Every week day during the summer, we had a job list, some of which were very creative, but we were responsible to complete that list of jobs before lunch. Dad loved sweets and would sneak us hard candy during church meetings and red licorice vines quickly became a road trip staple for our family. Dad also loved my mom and expressed it often. He backed up his love by often surprising her with a single carnation or other flower.
To prepare for this talk, I asked each of my siblings and mother, “Who was Dad for them? As we talked, we laughed, cried, told stories and felt great love for my dad. The following are a few of the legacies that Dad left us.
Teacher – Dad loved teaching; he actually started his bachelor studies in engineering until his Junior year, switching to Elementary Education, knowing that was where his heart was. Dad taught three years in Alaska and 31 years here in Lincoln County. He was known as the creative teacher and made learning fun. He used Portland Trailblazer statistics, the NCAA tournament, and more to entice students to learn and grow. Our Labor Days as a family were spent at Dad’s classroom, prepping it for the new school year. We would ready the bulletin boards, wash book shelves, and make copies of handouts. His co-workers became our family too (Mr. Steel, Mooney, Whetstone, and more), many of which are in the audience today. Thank you for loving and supporting my father and becoming our family. Dad taught more than 1000 students over his career. Past student’s of Dad’s expressed that his classroom was always open and they loved hanging out there during and after school. He could take almost any child and over the school year, shape them to reach their full potential. He loved the challenge of teaching every year and never really retired. Dad taught constantly, not only professionally, but in his life and by example. He was more of a listener than a talker, but when he spoke, it was often profound. When Erick and I visited just two weeks ago, Erick asked, “Dad, if you were to move today, what would you take with you?” With just a moment of thought, Dad answered, “Your mother (long pause) and my children.” He taught us where our priorities should be. Serviceable – Dad lived a life of service. My brothers cringed every time my dad raised his hand volunteering his time and theirs yet again. My dad would say, “Me and my boys will be there,” and they were, to help families move, to clean a widow’s home, or work in someone’s yard, they were always there. Dad was serving yet another family three days after Christmas in 2005 when he fell down a flight of stairs causing the major brain trauma. But Dad also naturally served and performed random acts of service. Sonia, my sister-in-law and married to Ben, shared that when she first met dad, on a visit before they were engaged, she had fallen asleep on the living room floor, Dad walked by, noticed she was asleep and found a blanket to drape around her. Sonia commented, “Dad’s thoughtfulness very much impressed me.” Family man – He lived to please and serve our family. I remember many years ago during his birthday, us kids were complaining that he didn’t have any hobbies (like golfing or fishing) that would make it easier for us to buy a present. His response still is etched in my memory when he said, “My family is my hobby.” And we really were. Joel remembers the interviews he had with each of us on Fast Sundays, and how we looked forward to having one-on-one time to make goals and share our fears. Dad was our biggest fan and cheerleader. Ben remembers Dad standing in pouring down rain at each of his cross-country meets (not a high spectator sport), cheering him on. Dad was the loudest fan at each of our basketball, track, volleyball and other sporting events. At times it was even a bit embarrassing. My Senior Year, I had a basketball game at Sweet Home over the Christmas break, my two older brothers were home from college and it was the first time they were able to see me play in high school. The boys drove out to Sweet Home to see me play and I was so excited. Well, they were sooooo loud, embarrassingly loud, everyone in the stands knew who my family was, but I knew my dad loved and supported me. Another example, in high school, Kyle got very interested in gardening, and my dad took him all over the northwest, up to Portland and into Washington to visit specialty gardening stores, conferences and classes. Now Kyle is our family’s go-to man for gardening expertise.
Beth remembers that Dad would drive her and her friends all over, before she could drive. He took them to the movies in Lincoln City, swimming at Olaha Lake, each time, taking a book and waiting patiently in the car until they were finished. Beth also cherishes the many times she danced swing with Dad in our living room. Our family was so important to Dad. The summer after Ben graduated from high school, Dad realized that it would be the last time that our family would be together for a long time (maybe always) and so our parents planned the ultra of trips. We traveled along the northern states of the US, returning through the southern states. That summer we spent about 1 ½ months traveling, visited 31 states and two providences in Canada, drove 13,000 miles, experienced every weather pattern, and made memories for generations to come. That trip bonded us as no others could or have. Beth also noted that the Christmas before my dad's original accident my family was all together at home. My Dad (and Mom) had felt that it was important for us all be together that particular Christmas. Then this past Christmas my family was all together once again, the last Christmas that we could, in this life, before my dad passed away. We are so grateful for those two rare occasions. Avid Sports Fan -My dad loved sports, especially Brigham Young University sports. Our family was constants at church on Saturday mornings (along with the Taylor family) during football season to watch BYU games on the satellite. Dad and Bro. Taylor corrected their school papers during the games, and then we would play pick-up game during half time. All through basketball season, we could find dad out in the car the only place he could pick up the Utah based KSL 1160 radio station that carried the BYU basketball games. Throughout the years, Nathan remembers dad taking us to the University of Oregon versus BYU football game in Eugene, the Tournament of the Americas in Portland (the Original Dream Team), and multiple Oregon State games. Each of us participated in sports during our school years, thanks to my dad’s encouragement. Devout follower of Christ – My dad loved Christ and was so firmly rooted in the gospel, but he lived it quietly. His mission to Argentina was a central point of his life and ours. He used stories from his experiences there to teach our family. His service as a bishop for six years was a honor and he took the stewardship in that position very seriously. Many people still called him Bishop because of the great love they felt from him at that time. He served in each calling faithfully and dutifully, Kyle expressed that Dad was such a good example as a home teacher during their years as companions.
But Dad was also had a sense of humor. Again, when Erick and I were here two weeks ago, Erick asked Dad where the most sacred place in the world was, and dad replied, “Navahoo, Ilinois” (carries meaning in our faith), and then Erick asked, “but what about Peru?” and Dad answered without missing a beat, “Well, I guess if you are a Peruvian.”
To finish, I want to read a brief blurb from his patriartical blessing, it reads, “Your life will be preserved to accept all the Lord has for you to do, and your life will be filled with activities that will give you joy.” I know that Dad finished what he needed to accomplish on this earth, and that it was filled with joy, even these past 3 ½ difficult years, there was joy for our family. Dad will leave a legacy to his family, his students, the ward and all those that knew him. We love him and will miss him deeply, but know that we will be together again someday. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.
With finishing classes, taking tests, family events, preparing for finals..and eventually taking finals :D I haven't had much time to keep up with my blog (hence the several postings tonight), this is my final paper for my SFL 100 class (based on The Family: A Proclamation to the World), I was supposed to interview a family member about the crucibles they had, had in their life and and then talk about what they have learned from that and how I would like to react when I have crucibles in my life also. Out of the 3 papers I had to do this semester for this class this one was the one that I had the hardest time with, I really struggled with what to write and how to express my emotions through this paper, it was also the one that when I turned it in I felt not the most confident about, but strangely I received the best score on this one out of the three.
A crucible perspective is when we are able to use a severe test or trial to refine and purify our lives. For the purpose of my paper I will be looking at adversities such as illness, disability, infertility, and death. Adversity is something that we all experience; sometimes the challenges may seem bigger or smaller and oftentimes to those on the outside it may not seem like a hardship at all. But for those of us living in the moment, in the experience, in the middle of the crucible it is very real, often very painful, and we are hurting. How we are able to react to these experiences and how we are able to grow is where we can learn the most.
Crucible experiences seem to happen to all we know, but when I began to think of hard challenges and who I could talk to, the person that stood out the most in my mind was the accident of my father and talking to my mom. This particular crucible experience is very personal, close to my heart, as I also lived through it with my mom, my dad, and the rest of my family.
When I talked with my mom this is how she described the experience:
“We had lived a rather charmed life, with relatively few challenges, other than the normal childhood diseases, occasional broken bones, and friendships temporarily gone sour. So a few days after Christmas 2005, I was totally unprepared for a life-changing experience. My husband and youngest daughter had gone to a home twenty-five miles away to help move a family whose husband/father had died just two days before Christmas. A few hours after they left, our daughter called on her new cell phone (the one that I had all but boycotted her buying) to tell me that my husband had fallen down a flight of stairs, was still unconscious and was being transported to a hospital several miles further north. I had no car home so had to enlist my Visiting Teacher to drive me to the hospital and pick up another son on the way north. At the hospital we learned that my husband was severely brain damaged – beyond the capabilities of the small rural hospital to deal with; they were preparing him to be life-flighted to Portland, 150 miles away. The storms that night precluded life-flight, so he was loaded into an ambulance and began his life-and-death trip to Portland. I feared that he might die; I worried about what the future would hold if he didn't.”
After we discovered that he had brain damage many other things were also discovered: he had sleep apnea, cancer, and diabetes. My mom suffered the most. Gone was her husband that she loved and had married 36 years ago. Now she had a new husband, someone whom she learned to love also, but now he was not her partner. He didn’t help her decide on their problems; he wasn’t a shoulder for her to cry on; he was someone that she now had to care for.
When hard times happen in our lives there are many different perspectives or “way[s] of thinking about and making meaning of,” the events that we can take on in our lives: we can react with anger, shaking our hands at the heavens and demanding “Why? Why is this happening to me and my family?”or we can take on a more gospel-based, crucible perspective.
“It is natural to view adversity as a crisis, but by embracing a crucible perspective, we can recognize the sorrow and feelings of loss that accompany adversity while also acknowledging the potential for personal growth and enhanced family relationships.” Many times after my dad’s accident people would ask how we were doing, particularly my mom. One thing that always stuck out in my mind was her perspective on what was going on, not once did I ever see her raise her hands to the heavens and shake her fists at Heavenly Father and ask “Why? Why is this happening to me?” Instead she said, “It was something that did happen and I just had to make sense out of what my life had become -- immediately.”
I believe that my mom was able to have an eternal perspective. Though it was very hard for her much of the time, she was able to look at the positive that had come from this experience and how we have grown as a family. My mom has always been one to say, look at what has come from this: we discovered many other health problems that we may not have found otherwise (my dad was never big on going to the doctors). Since we have found these things, we have been offered more time with Daddy; sure it may not be the daddy that we were used to, but it is still him and we can love him and learn from him, also. There is some reason Heavenly Father let him stay on Earth and we must help him and us complete our missions here. Our relationships with each other have changed and have become stronger. Before my dad’s accident, my mom and I oftentimes could barely talk with each other; after it we talked several times a day. It also became important for us to talk with my other siblings -- often.
Growing up I always knew that my mom had a strong testimony in Heavenly Father and in the gospel but it was not something that was shared often in my home, at least not through words; it was many times shown through her love and actions. I have seen her testimony grow and have seen it become more apparent and important in her life. I have watched as she has read through many, many books the last several years, most by general authorities or other church authors. My mom and I talk nearly every day on the phone; as I think about our past conversations, so many of them include some kind of gospel topic.
The authors of the textbook, Strengthening Our Family, offer the following as an insight into how the gospel can affect our eternal perspectives: “The gospel of Jesus Christ offers an eternal perspective that helps families understand that there are profound purposes to the adversities of this life.” “Gospel principles offer spiritual comfort and a widening of perspective from one that is solely crisis- or coping-oriented, to one that includes the potential for growth and development.”
“While confronting life’s crucibles, exercising faith in Jesus Christ involves trusting that the Lord knows what is best for us and can direct our lives in those ways that will allow us to reach our fullest potential.”[5] That is something I have often heard my mom comment on, that though she may not understand why this has happened she doesn’t need to; she just needs to continue staying close to Heavenly Father and allowing him to help her with her life. One thing that always amazed me while growing up was that my parents taught me to serve and help others as much as I could. That was not something that changed with my dad’s accident; though my mom did realize that as much as she needed to help others, she too needed the help. “I learned, without fail, that I am a child of God and that he knows me, separately from everyone else. I learned that there are many people who need and are willing to reach out to help. We need each other. In the past, I haven’t needed people as much as I need them now. Up to a point, it is good to need people. I am more aware of that because of the other people that need me.” Many times I saw my mom crying, but immediately afterwards she would get up and begin searching for something that she could do, either to help our family or someone else.
My mom is a strong and amazing person. I did not always see that when I was younger and oftentimes did not appreciate her as much as I should have. But as I have grown older and have been able to watch her as she has dealt with each new problem that was discovered about my dad, with each succeeding time that he came close to dying, I saw her have an amazing outlook. I would have completely understood if my mom had reacted in anger, but not once have I seen it; I have learned from her that it is ok to have the hard times and to mourn them, but we cannot let the mourning take over who we are and what we do; we must be stronger than the adversity and lean towards the gospel and Heavenly Father. Elder Bruce C. Hafen wrote “Our understanding of the Atonement is hardly a shield against sorrow; rather, it is a rich source of strength to deal productively with the disappointments and heartbreaks that form the deliberate fabric of mortal life. The gospel was given to us to heal our pain, not to prevent it.”
I hope that as I grow older and I too encounter my own adversities that I will be able to not have a crisis perspective but that I will be able to take the perspective of my mom and find the positive in the adversity. I know from her that I can mourn but that it must not be my ending decision. I have seen that through her choices and perspective she is much happier than she could have been. It doesn’t erase what happened but it allows her to keep on living and to grow closer to Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father gives us these trials to help us grow; it is up to us to grow up instead of down from them. I am glad that I have my mom as a positive influence to help me grow up from my future adversities.
